Be My Escape
by Infamousplot
Summary: After Roxas left the Organization... Well, what could Axel do? What should he have done? As he approaches his final hour, he takes a walk down memory lane, lamenting on the things he could and should have told his friend. Too bad it's just a little too late. Platonic AkuRoku  as in not yaoi .


_I've given up on giving up slowly,  
__I'm blending in so you won't even know me,  
__Apart from this whole world that shares my fate…_

This whole place is nothing but a fake. Every lamppost, every brick, every last pebble trodden over; all a fantasy fabricated by technology. Walking through here makes me sick. It's nothing but a computerized dream, created by Him. And… _Him._

It's easy to see how he could believe this place. If I didn't know any better, I would have sworn it was the real deal. Everything, from the scratches on the wall down in the tunnels to that loose brick on the clock tower is there. A perfect replica. His memory must have been a lot better than I thought, if it was strong enough to replicate such a perfect image of Twilight Town.

Apparently it wasn't as strong as I'd thought.

Tell me, Roxas. You remember the way the sun sets over the hills, and how many boxcars pass by on the rails ever night. You remember the face of the old lady that sells ice cream in the plaza, and the exact wording from all the posters on the buildings. So why share it with _them?_ Why make this perfect world to live in for them, instead of us? Why can you remember all those stupid things-

-and still not remember who I am?

_This one last bullet you mention  
__Is my one last shot at redemption  
Because I know to live you must give your life away_

I should have known it would come down to this. Just the two of us, fighting. Like the good old days, right? There's nothing good about it this time though. No friendly rivalry, no good hearted blows. Nothing but flames of rage and steely hatred, blows full of anger and intent to kill. What happened to you?

From the moment I set foot in that place, I knew things wouldn't go my way. I knew Roxas would resist me. I knew he would refuse to remember, that stubborn little brat. I knew I'd end up chasing him, scaring him farther and farther until it was too late.

I knew I'd end up fighting him.

I knew I couldn't beat him.

I knew I'd lose, from the moment I made that wall of fire. The look in his eyes… Determination, willpower, emotions that belonged to a person with a heart. I remembered the way it had felt… Sitting on the clock tower, laughing like idiots about stupid things that made no sense… The way it felt to have a heart again. Right then, I knew I couldn't defeat Roxas. I wouldn't defeat him. Defeating him would mean erasing him. It would mean I could return to the Organization again.

But if he wasn't there, then what was the point?

_And I've been housing all this doubt  
__And insecurity and  
I've been locked inside that house  
__All the while you hold the key_

Ever since he left things have changed. The Organization… The place I used to consider "home" isn't the place I knew. The faces I've always seen don't matter to me anymore. Truthfully, they never did. Roxas was the only one who made the Organization worthwhile. I could lug through my missions, knowing I'd get to gripe to him about how much I hated it. I could tolerate Saix and Xemnas because I knew Roxas found them as annoying as I did. I could be real –feel real –around him, because he was my friend. A real friend.

When Roxas left, part of me must have left with him. My loyalties to the Organization, my dedication to Kingdom Hearts; clung to him and then drifted off somewhere along the way. Gone with the wind, useless and meaningless to the world. They didn't matter anymore.

Maybe I'd felt this way before Roxas came, or maybe he'd brought it out in me. All I know is that once he was gone, I could never go back to that place knowing what I'd done. Knowing I'd never see him again.

I couldn't help wanting to stay here. It was fake, but at least I didn't have to face my problems here. Here I could hide and act like nothing happened. Here in Roxas's perfect little world that I'd ruined.

_And I've been dying to get out  
__And that might be the death of me_

Seeing Roxas with them always made me mad. With or without a heart, the rage was still there. I wanted to set this place to flame. Watch everyone and everything within it burn until there was nothing left but a thick layer of ash. When I saw Roxas with them, I wanted to kill them. I honestly did. They weren't real, anyway, so what did it matter? I could destroy a computer program and not feel a shred of guilt.

When I heard them call Hayner Roxas's "best friend" I felt a stab where my heart should be- betrayal, hurt, rage. I wanted to tear that stupid computer's throat out. He wasn't real. At least, no more real than I was.

When I saw Roxas had destroyed the computers –smashed them into oblivion and then obliterated the leftover pieces… I felt a surge of pride. I may not have had anything to do with that decision, but he'd still done it. That was something all on its own. He _remembered._ But it was too late.

Roxas had to go. I didn't want him to, though. Didn't want to sit and watch, couldn't let him disappear. There wasn't anything I could do, though. I had to get out of here. In here, I was powerless. Out there, at least I could think up some sort of plan. So I lost.

I knew I wouldn't beat him. I didn't give my all. I faked my own death, backed out of that world, vanished back into my own.

And he was gone.

_And even though,  
__There's no way in knowing where to go,  
__Promise I'm going because  
I gotta get outta here  
__I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake  
I gotta get outta here _

Namine… Part of me felt I should blame her for this. She was the one who had helped them get Roxas, who had let them make him a part of Sora again. But it wasn't really her fault, now was it? After all, she hadn't _wanted_ to take Sora's memory apart. That wasn't her idea. She didn't do it on her own. We made her. I made her. She wasn't to blame.

She told me some things, though… About hearts, and emotions, and still wanting to see people, even if we didn't have a heart to love or miss them with. For a naïve little girl, she sure knew a lot.

I guess I took what she said to heart-

-Hate that saying. So many of those little phrases were made without any consideration for us Nobodies. People can be cruel, huh?

_And I'm begging you,  
__I'm begging you,  
__I'm begging you to be my escape._

That was when I saw him: The Keyblade Hero, Sora. Funny, he looked different than I'd remembered.

Every time I saw him… I swore I saw Roxas. He was in there. He wanted to get out, when he saw his "friends" in Twilight Town.

It wasn't until I saw him leaving Twilight Town, sobbing as he waved goodbye to his "friends" that he loved so much, that I realized what I wanted to do. I couldn't go back to the Organization now, and they were bound to hunt me down like wolves, but… But…

I had to bring Roxas back.

_I'm giving up on doing this alone now  
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how  
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there_

It wasn't a very complex plan. Quite simple, really: Roxas was Sora's Nobody. If Sora became a Heartless, Roxas would be born again. All I needed to do was swamp the kid with Heartless, and Roxas would come back. I didn't stop to think about what the consequences would be.

What if he wasn't the same Roxas? Roxas had only been half a Nobody. What if he couldn't remember anything? What if… He didn't want to come back?

Ignoring all of those unwanted thoughts, I pushed forward with my plan. It wasn't that hard. But I couldn't do it on my own. I needed help, but I knew I wasn't going to get it willingly.

Kairi, sweet, naïve little Kairi. The love of Sora's life. It was his love for her that made him sacrifice his life and his heart, and if all went as planned, he would do it again. Sora would become a Heartless _willingly_, and Roxas… Roxas would come back.

_And this life sentence that I'm serving  
I admit that I'm every bit deserving  
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair_

Part of me knows that this is wrong. When I took Kairi from the island –or, tried to. When I let her be taken by Saix. This was all wrong, all selfish. But I'd always been selfish, hadn't I? I mean… Everything in Castle Oblivion was out of pure selfishness. Killing Vexen was part of the plan to control Sora, so that I could gain Marluxia's trust. Gaining Marluxia's trust was so that I could overthrow him in the end. And that was all so Saix and I could scrabble our way to the top and get rid of Xemnas without any trouble.

It's because of what went down in Castle Oblivion that Sora's memories became a part of Roxas. It's because of his memories that he discovered his connection to Sora. And if he hadn't realized that he was connected to the other Key Wielder, he wouldn't have left. He wouldn't have been taken by DiZ and Riku and those freaks. He wouldn't be gone.

It's my fault that he's gone. It's because of my goals, my selfish goals.

So it's my duty to fix this.

_Cause I've been housing all this doubt  
__And insecurity and  
I've been locked inside that house  
__All the while you hold the key_

Sora, in a lot of ways, was just like Roxas. Sure, Roxas was more stubborn. And more blank. Roxas wasn't as cheerful as Sora, and not as much as Sora was either. But he was determined. They both had that same glare, the same flame in their eyes, the same "don't mess with me" air about them. But they weren't the same people. They aren't the same people.

_And I've been dying to get out  
__And that might be the death of me_

I don't know why I decided to help Sora. Maybe it was because I realized that my plan wasn't going to work. Maybe, I realized that I couldn't do all of this on my own. Or maybe… No, I know that I did it because of Roxas.

They weren't the same people. They _aren't_ the same people. But Roxas was a part of Sora. He was there, watching, fighting, all from inside, and I know that the only reason I fought was because I was doing it for him.

_And even though,  
__There's no way in knowing where to go,  
__Promise I'm going because  
I gotta get outta here _

What happens next?, I wondered as I fought. Even if I won… Then what? Kill Sora? Turn him into a Heartless? Hah, like that was gonna work. Even if we won, if he saved Kairi and we beat Saix and Xemnas… Then what? What happened to me? Roxas would still be a part of Sora, and there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it. Where was my happy ending?

_Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake  
I gotta get outta here_

Did I deserve a happy ending? Honestly and truthfully… Did I?

I killed Vexen. Plotted the death of Marluxia. Convinced the Riku Replica to dispose of Zexion, and betrayed my "comrades." I lied to Roxas about everything and ruined his existence –destroyed it, quite literally. I'd let him leave.

I'd been plotting the downfall of my leader since the day I'd joined the ranks of the Organization, betraying everyone around me, and then turned around and even betrayed that goal.

Did I deserve a happy ending?

_And I'm begging you,  
__I'm begging you,  
__I'm begging you to be my escape._

Roxas… Sora, who Roxas was –is –a part of… I knew he could defeat Saix. He could stop Xemnas, he could stop him from completing his goal.

If I helped Sora, I'd be helping Roxas.

If I helped Roxas… I'd be redeeming myself. Right?

Didn't matter really. Was this even enough to redeem myself? Was I even redeemable? Eh. I don't know. I'm not sure of anything, it seems, nowadays._  
_  
_I am a hostage  
__To my own humanity  
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made_

Roxas… It's because of me that you left. It's my fault you found out about your connection to Sora. It's my fault your connection to him got stronger in the first place. I let you leave. I lied to you, again and again. There were plenty of times when I could have –should have –told you the truth, but I didn't.

I'm sorry.

_And all I'm asking is  
__For you to do what you can with me  
But I can't ask you to give  
__What you already gave_

I'm sorry that it had to end like that. I'm sorry that you're stuck in Sora. I'm sorry I lied.

I'm sorry it had to end._  
_  
_Cause I've been housing all this doubt  
__And insecurity and  
I've been locked inside that house  
__All the while you hold the key_

Dusks were everywhere. I'd never liked them much anyway. Annoying little creepers, if you'd asked me. It didn't bother be to destroy them.

It didn't bother me to get battered and bashed and beaten by them. I was doing it for Roxas, right? I was redeeming myself. But… Redemption is crap. Getting beaten to make up for your sins? I wasn't doing this for me.

_And I've been dying to get out  
__And that might be the death of me_

Hah… Keyblade Wielder, I don't think I'll ever forget the look on your face when you saw me pull that move. When you saw me lying there, dying… the thing is, I swore I saw Roxas in there too. He looked… sad.

Stupid Roxas. This isn't supposed to make you cry. You're supposed to be happy now. You can go on living now, even if it is as a part of someone else.

_And even though,  
__There's no way in knowing where to go,  
__Promise I'm going because_

And who knows? Maybe someday, you'll be your own person again?

_I've gotta get outta here  
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake  
I've gotta get outta here _

Maybe we'll see each other again in the next life. Y'know, if I have one.

_And I'm begging you,  
__I'm begging you,  
__I'm begging you to be my escape._

I just wanted to see him… One more time, before I had to go. I didn't want to die. But if Roxas was gone… It was like going back to the Organization: why? It's kind of sad, but in a way… I'm okay with it. Because I did get to see him one last time. I know I saw him, watching me through Sora's eyes.

_I fought you for so long  
I should have let you in_

Roxas… Before I go, there's something you need to know.

Out of all of the Organization, you were the only one I ever really cared for. You were… The only one I actually liked.

You made me remember what it was like to have a heart. Thanks, for that. It's too bad the only thing I gave you in return were a bunch of lies.

_Oh how we regret those things we do  
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin_

It's too late for me now, I realize. Sora looks sad, but so does Roxas. Like I said, don't be.

Don't cry little Key Wielder. We'll meet again in the next life.

_But so were you_

Commit it to memory…  
_  
So were you… _


End file.
